Everything I love about Phantom Menace


The opening title.

Ian McDiarmid.

Han Solo wasn’t in it.

John William’s score.

There’s no main character. It’s like a $115 million experimental film.

The silent dictatorship of the Jedi Council by Yoda & Mace ‘fell out the’ Windu.

The main plot point of the story is obtaining a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorium, who has 3 lines. Also they’re intent on saving Naboo, but no one mentions the flagrant mass slavery and child labour happening on Tatooine.

This sexy beast:

That Anakin’s mum is fine with him bringing some old guy home, doesn’t object to him pod racing and lets him leave with the creepy old guy – it’s like telling your kid to go round Michael Jackson’s place. When he was alive. Never mind.

The line ‘No need to report anything until there is something to report’ when surely the fact that there are 2 very dangerous Jedi knights just roaming around, killing off your pathetic droid army is worth reporting alone?

The sound of the pod racers, and the sound Anakin makes when lifted into his:

That Queen Amidala’s decoy not only orders the real Queen to clean a droid, but also takes full totalitarian control of Naboo. She’s her own f*cking boss.

I love that each head of the two headed commentator thing has a different accent. So what, they grew up together in exactly the same place, but their parents were so cruel they thought they’d teach them different languages?

When Qui Gon goes to Tatooine, he wants to keep a low profile and find the spare parts quickly. So he takes R2-D2 (the slow, recently repaired droid), one of the Queen’s entourage he has never talked to before and Jar Jar Binks. He then says ‘let’s try the smaller dealers first’.

‘The Naboo are a peaceful people.’ …who happen to have guns in their chairs. What’s next, grenades in their toilets?

JAR JAR : Mesa cause-ed mabee one or duey lettal bitty axadentes…yud-say boom da gasser, un crash Der Bosses heyblibber…den banished.

Which translates to: I caused maybe one, or perhaps even two, small accidents. You could say I exploded the gas tanks, then crashed into the boss’s penis. Then I was banished.

That Naboo is so desperate in need of military assistance, yet they have a gigantic power room thing the size of the first Galactic empire? I mean, what could possibly be embargoed that they need so desperately? And if they’re at an all out war, how is it still going and what the f*ck is it powering? Is it like a new form of broadband or something? Is there download rate faster than anywhere else? So many questions.

The invention of the word ‘younglings’. Does that make Yoda an oldling?

Watto is so afraid of the 8 year old Anakin and his 51 year old mother escaping that he goes through the trouble of implanting explosive microchips in their heads. What is so valuable about a a boy and his mother have to a ship mechanic? What possible use could they have, except maybe keeping the house tidy?

That I could find all of the above photos online so I wouldn’t have to pay to watch it again or risk the wellbeing of my TV by waiting for it to come on.

Anyway, the fact that there were things I liked in the Star Wars prequels leads me to conclude that George Lucas either made them by accident, had nothing to do with them or was probably defiantly against them.

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